The Quarterlife Crisis

I want to believe that the human race is intelligent and kind. But it gets harder and harder when all I ever see around me are angry, hungry animals.

My friend Amanda is a wonderful person. She is hardworking and generous with her time, and she genuinely wishes to help people. But every time I talk to her lately, (through no fault of hers, I assure you) I come away feeling more depressed than I was before. Yesterday she had a get-together at her house, and she said some stuff that made me contemplative, and generally forlorn.

She told me that I should stop worrying so much and just do whatever I'm passionate about. That’s really pretty good advice. That is, unless you’re like me.

I'm not... passionate about anything, and if I'm really honest with myself, I don't think I ever have been. I've been interested in things, sure. I've been interested in almost everything, to some degree. But my interest has always, always fizzled out after a short period of exploration. Probably the closest I could say I came to a "passion" was when I was in high school, interested in photography. But even then, I always felt like I was dabbling in something I had absolutely no right to dabble in, for some reason. I didn't feel talented. It didn't feel right. I still do it because I figure it's as good a hobby as any, and over the years I have convinced myself to like my photographs, because other people have said they are good. But sometimes I can't help but think that most people just don't know difference between exceptional and average photography.

I also don't think it's right to say I'm passionate about Language... because my struggle with Japanese has disheartened me to the point that I'm not even sure it's possible for me to fluently speak another language. Part of it is that I don't study enough. Well, shouldn't I be eager to study if I'm passionate about it? Shouldn't I devote all my time to succeeding? I'm not and I don't, so obviously it doesn't qualify as a "passion." What would I do with it, anyway? I still have absolutely no idea. What would a barely-proficient culturally ignorant American girl bring to the table in business, education, or diplomacy?

I am mediocre at everything I have ever done, and mostly it's because I've lacked the passion that it takes to become a master. I don't know what to do about that. I only have one life, and if I spend much more of it waiting around for my passion to become evident, I might run out of time. On the other hand, if I just pick something and stick with it, I have this overwhelming fear that I will pick the wrong thing and end up ruining my life. And I’m completely at a loss for how to solve this problem.

good god, what is my problem. I've spent so much time online the past couple of months, and yet, updating my livejournal has seemed like an insurmountable chore. I haven't even checked lj in like 2 days.

I'm really struggling with just living in general. I am back to the point where just getting out of bed feels like a huge accomplishment. I almost lost a friend, and i'm going to have to work to keep her, and it kind of doesn't feel like it's worth it, except for the fact that I literally cried myself to sleep one night when I thought she didn't want to be my friend anymore. It's the cycle of being so depressed you don't want to do anything with anyone, but then people stop caring about you, which makes you even more depressed.

I've been reluctant to spill my guts to people, too. Because inevitably, they'll tell me that everything is the opposite of what I feel, and it just makes me hate myself even more. A couple of days ago my friend Amanda told me to list out all the things I didn't like about myself, or that I wish I could change, and when I was done, all she said was "but you are this, and you do that, and blah blah blah blah..." although to be fair, if she had given me any real advice about how to change myself, I probably would have scoffed at that too. Irrationality is the name of the game.


so, add me on Tumblr. I still don't think I'm doing it quite right... but I guess the more friends I can follow, the more fun it'll be.

you gotta drop the ball to get it rolling.

I'm with my friend Tish and she's getting her hair done. Nothing is new in my life. She just has a kickass phone and i'm bored. I hope everyone on my flist is well. I've been struggling in school and reading too much shinee fanfiction. I'm also writing some, as ashamed as I am to admit it. Don't judge. Bye.

I am really so much more excited than I should be about this bit of news. I keep it quiet, but y'all should know I ship kyuhyun and jonghyun as BFFs hard. Their voices are going to sound so good together. I'm ready for something that isn't that SM Town duet hot mess. You can hear how good they are together in that, but just barely, and only if you can listen to it long enough without ripping off your ears. I'm so pumped for a record of them together, something studio polished and easy to listen to. SO EXCITED! BFFS!

How bad do I want this? Really, how bad do I want it? Let me be honest with myself. I don't, plain and simple. I don't.



How am I supposed to go after what I want, if I don't know what I want?

trying to stay positive. It's real hard.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. So little time, so much to do.


I'm such a boring person.